Nature vs. Nurture vs. Soup

The classic 'nature versus nurture' debate basically centres around the question of what determines an individual's traits: are they innately preprogrammed into the person's mind at birth, or are they products of environmental and third party sources? Essentially, the question is: what makes each of us the way we are? Well, I don't fully comprehend the debate, but I'd like to think of myself like a soup. Yes, a soup. Because I'm composed of a multitude of delicious ingredients, all thrown into one big pot and mixed into a scrumptious blend - yet I am still the chef. Here's why. 

Not so much chef (or soup, as a matter of fact),
but I am at least wearing an apron.

I've often attributed most of the successes in my life to others. I'm not sure when I first unearthed the thought, but I have said on a number of occasions that "I surround myself with people that are better than me". By that, I don't actually think people are directly comparable. And that statement is in fact very important to how this little theory of mine works.

You see, no one person is better than the other. But that person might be better at something specifically. So, the way I like to see those around me is that each and every one of them is better than me in one way or another (and in most cases, many ways). Sometimes, I'll know right off the bat what that might be - I'll notice they're consistently hardworking, or that they are very knowledgeable about a certain topic, or they're undoubtedly passionate about their craft - and sometimes, it might be something hidden that becomes increasingly evident over time.

Whilst this applies to everyone I meet to some degree or another, there are a handful of unique individuals I've come across that are apart from the rest. I've had the utmost honour and joy of meeting some incredibly wonderful people in my life. Four of them I've known since birth, and have had a hand in raising me and shaping me as a person ever since, to this very day. But others I've met along the way. They are all extra special to me, and even though a few of them have come and gone, they mean the world to me. These are the people that I know for sure, without a doubt, are better than me in many, if not all, respects. I love, respect and look up to them, because I know they have and are so much more than I am. These are the people I always have in my mind, and always hope to emulate. 

How this all ties into the nurture argument is that all of these people influence me. When I see these great qualities, I hope that I too can embody them. But does that mean that by just being around these awesome people, I can just absorb and photosynthesise their awesomeness? Hardly. 

Here's where I think nature kicks in. You see, it takes that thing in between my ears to determine how I can mimic these qualities. Seeing is one thing; doing is another. That is what I like to think what my personal growth is about essentially: seeing what I want to achieve, and going on to achieve it. The first part is easy-peasy when you see the good that people are capable of. The second part is the real uphill climb. 

My nature also determines which elements I choose to absorb. Just as everyone has redeeming qualities, so do they have darker ones. I myself am certainly no exception. No-one is perfect, and sometimes, the distinction isn't as clear as day and night. What makes each of us unique, I think, is how our nature distinguishes those grey areas, and then goes on to let nurture influence us. 

I'm quite sure I've taken the whole nature vs. nurture debate completely out of context, but I hope you can see the good in the mess that this post might have been (see what I did there?). Keep in mind that we can always learn something from others, and that everyone is great in their own individual way. If we can pick and mix qualities we like, then we should always try to see the best in everyone we meet. But when it comes down to it, what you specifically choose to allow to influence you, is what makes you... well, you.

Everyone in my life has been giving me these wonderful ingredients to work with. But the chef's hat is still on my head, and what makes it into the final dish is my say. And I'd like to think there's something quite wonderful about that sentiment.

Also, if you're wondering, the soup I happen to be is a lobster bisque. I'm fancy like that.

What kind of soup are you?

The Love Currency

Apparently, today's Valentine's Day.

Apparently, that means I should be spending it with a loved one.

Apparently, that requires a loved one.

Apparently, I shall be blogging instead.

Here's one I made earlier.

We all love differently. Yes, it is true that we have similar relationships, such as the ones we have with family, friends, and partners, and we do all share love with those people. We care about them, we trust them, we want to make them happy... the whole shebang. But when you say "I love you" to these people, what does it really mean?

There is no single definition of love (put away your dictionaries, please). When we each love another person, that connection we feel is very personal and unique. So how do we then go about valuing love? How can we say that we truly love someone, or are truly loved by someone?

The titular character from the Pixar short, The Blue Umbrella, which I made.

I was discussing this topic with a good friend of mine, and the analogy of money as love came to mind that I found easy to understand (I know it sounds cold, but bear with me). For each individual connection we have with another person, wealth would represent how much love we have to give, and the spending of the money would be expressions of love, whatever that may be. Say for example, two people are dating. The man tells the woman, "I'm filthy rich, but I can't show you my bank account or tell you how much money I have". The woman only has this man's word to believe, so she can only depend on what he is willing to spend on her. Sadly, he replies, "Sorry babe. All my money is locked up in bonds right now. I can't tell you for sure when I'll be able to spend money on you, but it might happen in the future. But I really am rich". Now the woman is a little more unsure. What if he ends up never spending any money on her at all? But this woman is devoted, and decides to stick around with this supposedly 'rich' man. Some time down the line, that fateful day arrives. "Honey," he says, "the bonds have opened up! I can now finally spend my money on you!". Fantastic - it was what she had been hoping for. But to her dismay, he continued, "I can spend all of my £10 on you now!".

It's a bit far-fetched, I know. Relationships of love are never easily simplified (and how dare I compare precious love to cold, hard cash!), but the point I was trying to bring forward was that the man was not actually lying about being rich. Sure, it would've been better if he were able to express his love earlier on, but these things take time to learn. But he certainly didn't lie about being rich. See, because in his eyes, having £10 could mean being 'rich'. You can't blame him for having different values of what counts as being 'rich'. And yes, maybe the woman did expect more, but she also did no wrong by valuing 'rich' as more than £10.

Sometimes, it's not even about what you value as the love you can give, but how you value love. Because we all see our own form of love from our own angles, it's not entirely impossible for someone that is selfish, demanding, or even abusive, to think that they are in love with their partner. To them, their words and actions are suitable of a loving relationship, and in their minds, they are being as loving as they can be. They can still say "I love you", and fully mean it. But in actual fact, it really depends on how the other person values and receives this love, and what it means to them.

The other takeaway I was trying to make with my analogy is that wealth does not equate expenditure (I have a feeling my economics friends are rubbing off on me). You can be the richest man on earth, having all the love to give to devote to one person, but what does it mean if you can't spend any of it? Why would it matter if you are fully capable of endearing love if you can't express it to that person? That person wouldn't get anything out of that belief. Furthermore, as I discussed before, what is to say that that wealth exists if there is no proof of it? Could you be lying to yourself and others?

I know this all seems very doubtful of those that say they love and I come across as very bitter (Bah! Bumhug! That's the phrase, right?), but I don't mean it that way. Some people find it easier to 'spend' their love more so than others; we're all different in our expressions. And at other times, believing in someone that they love you is enough. The woman in my analogy wasn't being blind or foolish - she was being faithful and committed. Maybe for most people, they would want and ask for more money. But maybe for her, she only needs a little expenditure, and that would be sufficient to make her happy.

And there are certainly different ways of expressing our feelings for others. Where one man may employ elaborate and grand gestures of adoration using timed fireworks, choreographed dancers and synchronised flying doves, the simple embrace of another man may mean equally as much to their respective partners. All this talk about money spending might make me sound very shallow, but these expressions might not even be physical actions. It could be the emotional support when things get rough, the little considerate thoughts and time devoted to listening and understanding, or the kind words that make their day. And as receivers of love, we may seek and ask for different things too. But the important balance in relationships is to understand both the capabilities of giving love, and the desired expectations of receiving love. When two people are in a bond where their capabilities and expectations meet for one another, that is when you have a strong, healthy, and wonderful relationship.

And don't think I'm only talking about lovers (that word somehow makes me cringe); this goes for all types of relationships. Whether you're relearning what your mother would like to hear you say on Mother's Day, or you've got your friend's back in his time of need, or you're looking to take your relationship to the next level of commitment, we need to grasp and accept our counterpart's values of love. How should they see me as a person? What types of responsibilities should I uptake for them? What can they trust me with? What can I do to make them happy? How should I support different aspects of their life? What do they regard as expressions of love?

So I think back to my own wealth and my own spending with each person that I care about. I have been very lucky to have such giving people in my life, so I try to consider what ways I can spend my love on them, and wonder if I have enough to give. But the truth behind my analogy is that we are all rich. We can all be billionaires, with plenty to spare. As humans, we are all capable of being rich with love. It just depends on whether we allow ourselves to be full of love, whether we can learn how to express it in the right way for each of our counterparts, and whether we are willing to when we do know how.

So... anyone have any spare change?

Home Sweet... Where?

I'm currently halfway through my two-week-long holiday back in Hong Kong. I haven't been back in about a year and a half, and it's good to be home. Or should I say, "home". It's an odd sensation, but of all places in the world, I feel a bit... out of place.

Maybe it's because I wasn't really around when my parents decided to relocate off the main island of Hong Kong, but I don't think that's the biggest reason. Everything seems so unrecognisable, yet vaguely familiar - like a feint memory of a past dream. As I walk the same streets I have walked many a time before, I feel almost foreign in the city I grew up in. And I'm not entirely sure it's the city that has changed.

I guess it's struck me that I've finally branded myself as "international". Many people have provided me with clever insight about my past blog post regarding bilingualism. They have helpfully informed me that what I was describing was in fact biculturalism - something I didn't even know existed, and am slightly shocked that the autocorrect on my blog editor isn't underlining in squiggly red like crazy (it just goes to show how great a blogger I am that other people need to explain to me what my own blog post means). I might feel oddly misplaced in Hong Kong despite ethnically belonging and having grown up here (I don't think I can even confidently say I have spent the majority of my life here anymore), but I still wouldn't call London my home. So, have I become a permanent tourist wherever I go? Because let me tell you: that's a horrifying thought.

Not my original idea, but I resonate with the concept.
I mean, who doesn't?

Despite all this, these past few days, I have had the sense of "home" returning to me. But it wasn't a question of where, but rather with whom. I've realised "home" are my parents, my brothers and my friends. They are all family to me. They give me the sense of belonging, the comfort of familiarity and the snuggly warmth of togetherness. It's the simple pleasures of home-cooked dinners, catching up over drinks, and cracking up over stupid stories that makes me feel like I'm well and truly back. Their embraces are the welcome doormat; their smiles, the front door; our relationships, the rooms; their stories, the furniture; their laughter, the lights; their support, the roof; our wishes, hopes and dreams, the windows. These people are my home. And it has never felt better to be back.

It's easy to say that we'll keep in touch, but being in different countries (and time zones) takes its toll. Even the greatest bridges has its limits, and I don't blame anyone for the distance that was created. Life tends to be a busy occupation. But what reminds me that they'll forever be my home is how quickly we snap back to being... well, us. When we're back together, its like I never left. I'm still everyone's baby brother, and I wouldn't exchange that for the world. And even if my family have my best interests in mind sending me off again in a week's time, I know that every part of my home will always be there when I'm back next time.

You know you really love something when you miss it before its gone. And right now, I miss my home before I even need to leave. I'm very fortunate and grateful that my parents can visit me in London a few times a year, and I live with my eldest brother who has always looked out for me. But I miss my middle brother very much too, and wish that we'd be able to live together again. I miss my dearest friends as well, all of whom I regard as my siblings. It does suck to know that I've missed important phases in their lives, the good and the bad, and wish I could've been beside them when they experienced those moments.

But, whether the wind strikes hard, or the rain pours heavily, this is a home that will always stand strong. These individuals form the house that shelters me, and I know I will always have a place waiting for me to come home to, however long I may be gone for.

They are the only house that is invincible. And they are truly a home that will never change.