A Guide To Conversing With Doctors

Following my previous post about growing up with a doctor as a father, even though I've moved out since, doctors are still somehow prevalent in my life. Don't get me wrong - I have nothing against them. They are all heroes in my eyes. But through some way or another, I've found myself amongst the ladies and gentlemen of the medical profession.

In fact, I ended up in such a predicament just the other weekend. I had dinner with my brother, his girlfriend, and my best friend - all of whom are doctors. If I had choked on something during the meal, not only would I immediately receive the Heimlich manoeuvre, they'd probably sterilise utensils on the dining table and slice me open, right then and there. And as you can imagine, the flow of conversation quite naturally drifted towards the topic of their occupation.

Thankfully, I've had the social training to blend in amongst them, and nod along just enough to get by in the complex discussion. So here's my personal guide to surviving a conversation with doctors:

1. No body part, male or female, seen or unseen, inside or out, is off-topic. Guts, scrotum and anuses are all fair game. Get used to this, and try to hide your gag reflex.
   
   
   
2. You will not understand any of the acronyms mentioned, nor be able to pronounce most of the medical terminology used. And if such a word or acronym is the punchline to a joke (... and then I said to the nurse, "I said give the patient the ACCTS before the surgery!), just laugh when other doctors laugh.
   
   
3. Doctors see more penises than you see clouds. I don't know what kind of diseases are popular amongst men these days, but someone, the penis is always involved. Always. The inevitable willy or two will pop up (pun intended), so mask your shock (or giggles, if you're a 12-year-old like me). Also, if you're a guy and the word "catheter" is mentioned, don't ask what it is. Just don't.
   
   
   
4. Any chance you get, curse the NHS or the administration. They're the lawyers of the medical world - play it safe by insulting a common enemy. Feel free to be creative here (e.g. Screw the NHS! They can suck my testicles! Using the correct anatomical names gives you bonus points).
   
   
   
5. Never have a thick or slushy drink during such conversations. For some strange reason, bodily fluids always make their way into stories (whether intentionally or as an aside). Avoid chocolate milkshakes at all costs.
   
   
   
6. At any instant in the conversation, the topic may become very dark and grim, so be prepared for that. Having said that, also be ready to jump right back if it becomes black humour, and making fun of someone's misery is socially acceptable. It's a fine line, I know.
   
   
   
7. NEVER in ANY circumstance complain about the hours of your own job.
   
   
   
8. Nurses can either be a doctor's best friend or worst nightmare. So, listen in on which kind they're talking about, and on cue, either say "Awww..." or "That bitch!".
   

   

   
   

9. If by any chance you are ill or experiencing any pain whatsoever, don't bring it up. 90% of the time, it's something minor and insignificant, and you will be prescribed a "Man-the-hell-up" pill.
   
   
   
10. They lead incredible lives and they have really interesting stories to tell, so enjoy the conversation.

I'll admit, at first, some of the stories are difficult to stomach (har har har). But soon enough, you get past the gore and intensity of the job, and you find out that these are admirably hardworking and astoundingly smart people that save lives for a living. And they too have regular job problems: working overtime, office politics, stressful deadlines (really dark pun not intended), and the like. But if you ever find yourself in such a conversation, sometimes it's just nice to sit back and listen to their fascinating stories, just as I do.

Plus, it's hilarious trying to count how many times they say "penis".