How Does This Friendship Thing Work?

Hello once again, loyal reader.

Boy, is it dusty around these parts of this blog. It has been a while, hasn't it? Glad to see you have found your way back safe and sound. Come - we must huddle around these warm words as they come still fresh from the keyboard. But hurry! Who knows how long this harvest will last, before we must brace for yet another hibernation during the next famine of blog entries?

Since I'm currently on holiday, I have had the luxury of some downtime to bring back some life to this flaccid blog of mine. They say it happens to all bloggers at some point, that it's not a big deal, and that every reader has had a blogger go through this type of predicament. I have to say, this lack of vitality has certainly left me feeling rather embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe there's a pill for just this type of problem.

Having now spent a jam-packed week of catch-ups with friends, I've been thinking a lot about how friendships work for adults. For me, it takes that level of conscientious thought to really process something like that. They say you shouldn't fix what isn't broken, and I certainly haven't had any reason to question the relationship I share with my friends. But if that's the case, when do you see improvement if you don't ever ask for more?

Being at school has taken up such a big part of my life. From kindergarten through to university, it has, for better or worse, taken up a lot of my waking moments (and sleeping ones too, if we're going to count lectures). And almost all my closest friends I have met throughout these school years. But that's pretty much a given for most people I would think. When you're stuck and confined within certain walls, the tightest of friendships form. The only better breeding place for friendships than at schools are either in the army or in prison: take your pick.

However, I'm no longer in school, and neither are my friends. As we've all come to discover at our own pace, working life is very, very different indeed. Simply put, it's a lot harder to see each other. Free time is scarce, and even when it comes by, trying to fight fatigue is a whole other hurdle. You really have to make that extra effort to see one another, even if just to catch up.

I suppose I have a rather skewed perception. My best friends aren't even in the same country as me, let alone the same city. Yet undoubtedly, they are still my best friends. With them, it is by no casual effort that we get to spend some time together, whether that's on the phone, online, or (when all the planets align) in person. But it never really feels like an effort either. I don't necessarily agree that just because we are such close friends, that it means we don't need to try to stay as such. In fact, it takes a lot of proactive endeavour. It's rather a point of feeling that they're worth it. Differing time zones can be an irritating annoyance, but a few early mornings or a couple of late nights are honestly negligible. Spending time with family is very important indeed (something I will never forego), and it's what the holiday seasons are for, but to me, these people are a part of my family. And handwritten letters and planned gatherings might be nice, but for the most part, a simple text will suffice to let someone know you're thinking of them. With whatever excuse life might provide, there's always a way around it if you want it badly enough. You make the sacrifices, you adapt to the circumstances, and you just make it happen. Because if they're not worth the effort, then who is?

I won't sit here and lie and say that I don't miss the ease of being friends at school. They're never that far away, and for the most part, are looking for a distraction from the mundanity of school work. But since then, I've learnt that even though it takes that extra effort, if these people are meant to be in my life, then we'll make it happen from either end. I am the grumpiest person to wake, but I will always lend a willing ear at any time of night. There are no confessions too guilty or too pathetic that would ever cause me to pass judgement on. I will never pretend to know that things will be okay, but I can promise I'll be around when they're not. And I am only able to do these things because I know, in absolute security, that my friends will do no less for me, no questions asked.

Even though I've had these things on my mind (and this post in the drafts section) for a while, I feel that my holiday back home has really made me think twice about this. We all very quickly realised the drastic social and financial differences between work life and school life, but having to actually make an effort to keep friends? Not always so obvious.

The truth is, yes, it gets harder to maintain close friendships. But never forget that there's someone at the other end willing to try just as hard as you will. I am in no way the perfect friend, and I hope that I can rid myself of the bad habits that distances myself from my friends. Whether by conscious thought or by natural effort, I want to put more in. If these people are strange enough to want me around in their lives, I'm going to make damn well sure that I try my best to earn that place - even though I know they'd never ask of that from me.

So from me to you, I hope that the little annoyances in working life don't get in the way of the solid foundations in friends you've formed throughout your school years. Because I'll be damned if now isn't the stage in our lives we need them the most.

A Love Letter To Plain Jane

Meet Plain Jane. 

She's pretty plain. 

Plain hair, plain eyes, plain face

- much the same. 

She has plain friends, and a plain job - all tame.

Leading the life of the exceedingly mundane.

I suppose there isn't much else to say about Plain Jane,

like picking out a droplet in a torrent of plain rain. 

-----

I overheard (read: not eavesdropped) on the Tube the other day a conversation between two guys, discussing their ventures of the previous night:

So are you gonna see her again?

I dunno. She's kinda plain. 

Although engrossed in my book (John Green's Looking for Alaska, if you were wondering), that word just stuck with me for a while - plain. What's so wrong about being plain?

I think too many people might be overlooking Plain Janes. I'm not judging those two gentlemen on the Tube in any way - to each his own, I say. I totally understand that everyone has their own preferences. But I've never understood why 'plain' every ought to be unappealing. In fact, I very much like plain.

I guess for me, plain connotes comfort. Comfort in the sense that there is a certain simplicity in beauty - a sort of quiet radiance. Homely, even (and even that word carries a negative physical connotation - why should something of the home be deemed unattractive?). Some girls scream hotness; some girls hum with prettiness. I guess I just always imagined myself with the latter (not that I don't really, really appreciate the former). You grab someone that's hot, but you hold someone plain. You hug someone hot, but you embrace someone plain. You make out with hot, but you kiss plain.

With Plain Janes, they look better dressed in baggy pyjama pants and your ill-fitting t-shirt than they do in a strapless, backless, midriff-less, and whatever-the-heck-is-left-less dress - not that they couldn't rock one, of course. They tie their hair up (because let's be honest: it's just more practical) over burning in curls, and they shuffle in bunny-shaped slippers rather than tiptoeing in 9-inch heels. They don't need make-up, because that stuff gets in the way when you peck them on the cheek ("Mmm... your blush tastes like chemicals. The good kind."), and they look better barefaced anyway; it's just easier to see more of them without the make-up hiding it all.

You don't have to take a Plain Jane fine dining every weekend, and have to pretend to enjoy delicately minuscule portions on humourously gigantic dishes, because she'll be willing to dig in with her hands the overcooked chicken wings you made whilst you watch stupid movies like The Hangover with your legs criss-crossed on the bed - AND she'll tell you it tastes good. But when you're not cosying up, Plain Janes also enjoy a little me time now and again, and you do your bit to protect that little sanctuary she so needs, as will she when you go "hang out with duh bros".

Plain Janes never tell you you're perfect just to stroke your ego, because she knows you're smart enough to know that's not true. Instead, she'll tell you straight up what you're not good at, because she'll follow up with how you can change that about yourself, and that she'll be besides you along the way. Plain Janes will never tell you you're invincible - but they will certainly make you feel so.

And the best thing about Plain Janes is when things are at their worst. When you fight, Plain Janes never scream, or throw things at you, or furiously and dramatically storm out the front door. They fight because they care. And when the fury dies down, you know you can sit down with Plain Jane at the edge of your bed and talk things out. You can apologise to a Plain Jane, because Plain Janes forgive and never hold grudges. And then you learn to treat Plain Jane better because you don't have to decipher some cryptically hidden message behind her "I'm fine. Really.".

I get that the impression I might be giving is that I only like Plain Janes. But my message is quite the contrary. It's really that we (me included) should be open to all Janes: Plain Janes, Hot Janes, Nerdy Janes, Cute Janes, Smart Janes, Quiet Janes... and all the Janes in between. Some Janes are even both Plain and Hot! Everyone has their own Jane. But I think the Plain Janes mostly get overlooked - and I'm here to say I, for one, like Plain Janes.

Because, after all, I'm pretty Plain James.

-----

But one fine day, along came Plain James,

Who saw Plain Jane - but not quite the same. 

As he tried to conjure something poetic and witty,

All he could think was how she's just plain pretty.

Her hair, piano black,

with a scent on your pillow stays.

Her eyes, deep hazel,

translates her heart with its gaze.

And a face unforgettable, 

not even willpower could erase. 

Her friends are her family, that she fights unconditionally for.

Her job is her passion; a pursuit not a chore. 

She was waiting for someone with better vocabulary

(or at least someone who writes poems that are a little less ordinary).

But to Plain James, none stood out more than Plain Jane,

like picking out constellations from a sky of plain planes.

If you're wondering who wrote the abysmal Hallmark doggerel that sandwiches this post: yes, it was me. I am not a poet, nor do I intend to be. The entire thing wouldn't fit on a public restroom wall. 

The Love Currency

Apparently, today's Valentine's Day.

Apparently, that means I should be spending it with a loved one.

Apparently, that requires a loved one.

Apparently, I shall be blogging instead.

Here's one I made earlier.

We all love differently. Yes, it is true that we have similar relationships, such as the ones we have with family, friends, and partners, and we do all share love with those people. We care about them, we trust them, we want to make them happy... the whole shebang. But when you say "I love you" to these people, what does it really mean?

There is no single definition of love (put away your dictionaries, please). When we each love another person, that connection we feel is very personal and unique. So how do we then go about valuing love? How can we say that we truly love someone, or are truly loved by someone?

The titular character from the Pixar short, The Blue Umbrella, which I made.

I was discussing this topic with a good friend of mine, and the analogy of money as love came to mind that I found easy to understand (I know it sounds cold, but bear with me). For each individual connection we have with another person, wealth would represent how much love we have to give, and the spending of the money would be expressions of love, whatever that may be. Say for example, two people are dating. The man tells the woman, "I'm filthy rich, but I can't show you my bank account or tell you how much money I have". The woman only has this man's word to believe, so she can only depend on what he is willing to spend on her. Sadly, he replies, "Sorry babe. All my money is locked up in bonds right now. I can't tell you for sure when I'll be able to spend money on you, but it might happen in the future. But I really am rich". Now the woman is a little more unsure. What if he ends up never spending any money on her at all? But this woman is devoted, and decides to stick around with this supposedly 'rich' man. Some time down the line, that fateful day arrives. "Honey," he says, "the bonds have opened up! I can now finally spend my money on you!". Fantastic - it was what she had been hoping for. But to her dismay, he continued, "I can spend all of my £10 on you now!".

It's a bit far-fetched, I know. Relationships of love are never easily simplified (and how dare I compare precious love to cold, hard cash!), but the point I was trying to bring forward was that the man was not actually lying about being rich. Sure, it would've been better if he were able to express his love earlier on, but these things take time to learn. But he certainly didn't lie about being rich. See, because in his eyes, having £10 could mean being 'rich'. You can't blame him for having different values of what counts as being 'rich'. And yes, maybe the woman did expect more, but she also did no wrong by valuing 'rich' as more than £10.

Sometimes, it's not even about what you value as the love you can give, but how you value love. Because we all see our own form of love from our own angles, it's not entirely impossible for someone that is selfish, demanding, or even abusive, to think that they are in love with their partner. To them, their words and actions are suitable of a loving relationship, and in their minds, they are being as loving as they can be. They can still say "I love you", and fully mean it. But in actual fact, it really depends on how the other person values and receives this love, and what it means to them.

The other takeaway I was trying to make with my analogy is that wealth does not equate expenditure (I have a feeling my economics friends are rubbing off on me). You can be the richest man on earth, having all the love to give to devote to one person, but what does it mean if you can't spend any of it? Why would it matter if you are fully capable of endearing love if you can't express it to that person? That person wouldn't get anything out of that belief. Furthermore, as I discussed before, what is to say that that wealth exists if there is no proof of it? Could you be lying to yourself and others?

I know this all seems very doubtful of those that say they love and I come across as very bitter (Bah! Bumhug! That's the phrase, right?), but I don't mean it that way. Some people find it easier to 'spend' their love more so than others; we're all different in our expressions. And at other times, believing in someone that they love you is enough. The woman in my analogy wasn't being blind or foolish - she was being faithful and committed. Maybe for most people, they would want and ask for more money. But maybe for her, she only needs a little expenditure, and that would be sufficient to make her happy.

And there are certainly different ways of expressing our feelings for others. Where one man may employ elaborate and grand gestures of adoration using timed fireworks, choreographed dancers and synchronised flying doves, the simple embrace of another man may mean equally as much to their respective partners. All this talk about money spending might make me sound very shallow, but these expressions might not even be physical actions. It could be the emotional support when things get rough, the little considerate thoughts and time devoted to listening and understanding, or the kind words that make their day. And as receivers of love, we may seek and ask for different things too. But the important balance in relationships is to understand both the capabilities of giving love, and the desired expectations of receiving love. When two people are in a bond where their capabilities and expectations meet for one another, that is when you have a strong, healthy, and wonderful relationship.

And don't think I'm only talking about lovers (that word somehow makes me cringe); this goes for all types of relationships. Whether you're relearning what your mother would like to hear you say on Mother's Day, or you've got your friend's back in his time of need, or you're looking to take your relationship to the next level of commitment, we need to grasp and accept our counterpart's values of love. How should they see me as a person? What types of responsibilities should I uptake for them? What can they trust me with? What can I do to make them happy? How should I support different aspects of their life? What do they regard as expressions of love?

So I think back to my own wealth and my own spending with each person that I care about. I have been very lucky to have such giving people in my life, so I try to consider what ways I can spend my love on them, and wonder if I have enough to give. But the truth behind my analogy is that we are all rich. We can all be billionaires, with plenty to spare. As humans, we are all capable of being rich with love. It just depends on whether we allow ourselves to be full of love, whether we can learn how to express it in the right way for each of our counterparts, and whether we are willing to when we do know how.

So... anyone have any spare change?

A Longing

When I started this blog, I promised myself this would not be an angst-ridden, teenage outlet for my woes. I know how dreadful and boring it is to just read misery that has no goal or point. But with this post, I hope there is a deeper meaning. I write to express, but I also write to affect. The goal of my blog is to question your thinking, to raise insight, and to leave an impact. If even just one person experiences a change in thought after reading one of my pieces, that will be the success of this blog. So with this piece, as any other, I express, but I also seek to challenge. This post is for myself, as well as all those that are longing for something or someone.

Last night, I attended the Pentatonix concert. At one point, Avi brought the pace of the show down for their peacefully melancholic original song, Run To You (I highly recommend this song. I've posted it above as I feel it would be fitting to listen to it whilst you read the rest of this post, if you wish to do so). He introduced the piece as a song of longing, and explained that everyone longs for something in life. He then directed the crowd to close their eyes, and to imagine the one thing or one person we each longed for. Without closing mine, I saw the person in my mind's eye right in front of me, and I continued to see and sense her throughout the performance.

There is something I dislike about the word 'longing'. Longing implies a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. To long for something is lonely, desperate and endless. It's a long distance run you can't finish. It's the long wait for an unanswered question. It's a drawn out and long ordeal of agony. I instead prefer other words, such as to seek, or to chase, or to reach. See, if you seek, you can find; if you chase, you can catch; if you reach, you can obtain. But when you long, you only continue to yearn.

And yet, I still long. I wilfully climb the insurmountable mountain. But why? Perhaps it is my human condition to sadistically desire the forbidden and the impossible. But I rather think that we long because the object of longing is a symbol of perfection. Nothing is perfect in this world, except for what we perceive. We choose what we wish to see as perfection. And perhaps, I long because I've witnessed my personal perfection. I believe in my heart the object of my longing is someone worth longing for and the inevitable torment that entails, even when the odds are stacked against me, and it seems the end is ever further. But it is crucial to remember that to long for something is a choice and a concious decision, just as it is to personify someone as perfect. I have no one to blame for my predicament but myself. And so I seek, I chase, I reach because I don't want to long any more.

But I am running a race I have lost before I even started. I may be the fastest, but there is no finish line I can cross. It is a never-ending marathon, destined never to amount to anything. Yet I ran and I ran and I ran. Run To You provokes heartfelt emotions, but it is not the song that reflects best how I feel. I don't like posting songs or lyrics on my Facebook as a way to tell everyone how I feel. Not only does it feel cryptically attention-seeking, it feels stagnant. As much as I do listen to particular songs to match my mood, there is something hopelessly defeating and depressing about listening to a song as an expression of misery, because the song never changes. The lyrics never alter to show signs of progress or the hope of a happy ending. And just like the sense of longing, it only drags on and repeats the same inescapable chords. 

However, today, as I listen to Run To You, I realised the opposite of longing: to accept; to succumb; to surrender. I accept my fate, I succumb to the pain of the unending chase, and I surrender to my defeat. 

My antonym of to long is to stop.

More Or Less

I've recently been chatting to a friend regarding the idea of liking someone more than a previous partner. It struck me as an odd statement, but not because it hasn't been said before. In fact, I think the concept of comparing "likableness" is quite common. After all, this new person is still filling the "boyfriend" role, so it's not unfathomable that one would compare with previous candidates. Even with friends, why do we have "best friends" and just normal "friends"? Oh, and the god-tier of "BFF"?

The reason I found this odd was because I don't really think of relationships as being comparable, even when they occupy the same role. It's like saying that I like chocolate ice cream (which I do!), and then telling me to compare which is more chocolatey: my current favourite chocolate ice cream, or this brand new strawberry ice cream. They're two different flavours! Granted, they're both ice creams, but I like them for different reasons. Both are scrumptious to me, and I'd happily devour either (this is not me promoting polygamy).

I didn't have to look very hard in my phone for a picture
of ice cream. That says a lot about me.

Perhaps a more realistic example would be my two brothers. I love them both very much, and I couldn't ask for better people to my siblings. But I don't think of either to be the "better brother" - they're both amazing in their own right. My eldest brother, I see as the person I look up to the most. He is protective, responsible and caring, and a better man than I will ever be. My second brother is the most heart-warming and thoughtful guy I know. Truly a loyalist and always genuine, if I am ever half as fun-loving as he is, I'd count myself lucky. Both great people, both great brothers. But I wouldn't compare them. The relationship I share with one brother is completely different to the one I share with the other.

I can see how some might say you can be better friends with one person over another. You may see that 'better' friend more often, share more intimate secrets with them, and generally feel closer. To me, I see all my friends as holding a definitively exclusive space in my mind. They all mean something different to me, for their own special reasons. We will come across so many people in our lives. They will all occupy different connections with us; some will be friends, some will be lovers, some will be family, some will be enemies. But none will be better or worse than the other. The bond that ties two people together is unique, like two distinctive colours mixing to become a one-of-a-kind hue.

So instead of answering my friend whether I think it's possible that she may love this new person more than her previous partner, I told her she will just love him differently. In fact, I don't even think it's possible to love a single person the same way continually. That connection will evolve and change. It's why couples have "honeymoon phases", which then grow into deeper, more meaningful ties. It's still infatuation, but a different breed.

Life is transient. Things change with time, moments come and go. As we grow older, we aspire for different things at different stages in our lives - one of those things being our relationships. I'm not saying that your relationships should change with the seasons, but it is how that feeling develops and grows with you as a person that really puts it to the test. And don't be afraid to make new friends, and love new people; you'd be surprised how much capacity your heart has.

Right now, I'm a chocolate ice cream kind of guy. And it's sad to say, that I dropped mine recently. But who knows? In the future, I may grow fond of the strawberry kind. Or maybe even vanilla. But so long as I have ice cream in my life, I'm good to go.

Likes Long Walks On The Beach

In the blurry haze of an evening of drinks, I was recently asked what my type was (for potential female partner, not blood type). After giving it some thought, I realised I didn't have an answer. If I'm honest, I don't have much data to work with; it was difficult to draw any conclusive pattern. So I figured maybe I'd imagine up the next girl I might see myself with.

But no-one came to mind; I just couldn't see her. It's depressing to think that even my imaginary future girlfriends are non-existent. Perhaps I needed to narrow her down to just a type. The sultry, sexy seductress; the interesting, individualistic intellectual; or the puppy-eyed, precious pearl (I'm just giving myself an excuse to abuse alliteration here)? But nope - no mould would fit my virtual mate. So I racked my head for qualities that I'd like her to possess instead, building her piece by piece like a Subway sandwich:

- Loving
- Caring
- Thoughtful
- Funny

And before I could get further than that, I realised that I was listing the most common, generic qualities that anyone would look for in a partner. Valid they may be, I might as well have just summed them up under one big umbrella category: "good person". Everyone endeavours to find these traits in a person they'd want to start a relationship with. And then it hit me that I might not have a clue what my next girlfriend would be like, but I definitely know what kind of relationship I want to have with her.

I'm currently twenty-two and have only relatively recently embarked on an "adult life" - living on my own, starting a career, brushing my teeth before going to bed, and other big boy responsibilities. Needless to say, I'm not very good with most of these yet (my teeth remain uncleaned as I write this), but when it comes to my dating attitude, I'm probably much too far ahead for my own good.

Unlike most aspiring and vibrant youngsters starting their bachelor lives at this age, my aim in life is to become a husband and a father. Forget earning my first million dollars (HKD, not USD - I'm not too hard on myself), buying my first car, or filling my little black book with semi-accurate first names (on a serious note, who actually owns one? Show of hands please) - I'm all about settling down, spending lazy Sunday afternoons on the sofa, cooking experimental meals, and sharing all of that with one special person. Does that make me boring? Probably. But that's where I want to be - and even I think it's a bit weird.

With my end goal in mind, it's much easier to shape what I want to share with my future partner. I might not end up marrying her, but it doesn't mean that it shouldn't be a relationship where I could reasonably explore that possibility. And in a scarily specific manner, I can list right off the top of my head, without much thought, what I'd hope for:

- Mutual give-and-take
- Commitment
- Honest and open communication
- Friendship, and more
- Growth for one another
- Willingness to put time, effort and work into the relationship
- Support for each other's personal life
- Matching life priorities, or at least an understanding
- Respect for personal space and time
- Continued infatuation

Whilst I may not be able to describe to you my type of girl, I can quite descriptively tell you what I hope she's looking for in our relationship - whether it's achieved or not is another matter, but at least we'd have common objectives. I don't want to close myself off from potential partners by slotting them into categories. But if she's not seeking the same relationship as I am, no matter how sultry, interesting or puppy-eyed she may be (see what I did there?), things just won't work out.

So, back to the discussion over poorly mixed vodka-diet-cokes (I'm watching my calories), after my moment of revelation, I replied thoughtfully:

"Eh. I don't know. Someone with big boobies, I guess."

Yes. I still say "boobies". I'm that mature.

Ha - "boobies".