Lawrence & 阿諾

I'm a bit obsessed with the idea of duality. Not only do I find the concept very intriguing, but it has always played a large role in my life. Let me explain.

I've always seen myself with two personalities: one that speaks Cantonese, and one that speaks English. Whilst I base these two characters on the language they speak, there are inherent differences that stem from more than just how they communicate.

You see, ethnically, I'm from Hong Kong. But I was born in England. But I grew up in Hong Kong. But then studied at boarding school and university in England. But then Hong Kong had always been my home during my studies. But then now I've got my own place and work in England. But then my parents and brother still live in Hong Kong. What all this back and forth has meant is that I feel not only like an expat, but like a double expat - neither here nor there. I feel foreign in both countries: in England, my ethnicity quite obviously did not originate here, but in Hong Kong, I possess an inherently 'international' quality, derived from the Hong Kong international and overseas schools I studied at.

I'm bilingual; I was brought up learning English and Cantonese simultaneously. Whilst I write more fluently in English, I speak more naturally in Cantonese. And yet somehow, I still feel like I lack in my colloquialisms in both languages - a sign that I've never really been in full command of either. When I meet new people, it's easier for me to speak English. But with my closest friends and family, I fall into Cantonese. But in my most intimate and emotional moments (and when I'm drunk), I express myself in English. Strangely, I can comfortably say "I love you" (to the right person), but find it difficult to utter "我愛妳" (the equivalent). So which language do I feel most natural with? Neither. Oh, and did I mention? I have odd accents in both: I have a non-native Cantonese accent, and my English accent is a weird combination of a British accent (from boarding school) and an American accent (from all the US TV I watched growing up). Double whammy.

Now that I've created this image,
I hate it. Both halves.

So what is the result of all this? I feel like I have two personalities. It's a bit difficult to pinpoint exactly where one side of me ends and the other begins, but regardless, I do feel the disparity. I would say that the English side of me is more approachable, more comical and more of a crowd pleaser. On the other hand, my Cantonese side is a lot more relaxed, more uninhibited, and more of a coversationalist. I wouldn't say that either side of me is 'fake' or a façade I hide beneath; I am very much being myself in both capacities. I quite easily and frequently slip in and out of both. You'll often catch me switching between the two languages in the same conversation - or worst yet, the same sentence (another sign I've never fully grasped full expression in just one).

However, this leaves me in a rather frustrating predicament: I'm not either, but I'm also not both. As confusing as that is, I mean that I'm not solely the English or Cantonese version of me, yet I don't feel like I'm fully both. Essentially, "兩頭唔到岸" or "two ends not reaching shore", which is a Cantonese phrase that means to try two things but not succeed on either fronts, like a boat arriving perpendicularly to the shore and neither ends of the boat actually landing ashore. Whenever I am speaking one language, I feel like there is a part of me that is being set aside. Wherever I may be, I feel alien and out of place; I've never really been able to fit in.

Luckily, I've come to meet other bilingual people. Overseas students from Hong Kong have made for great companions that understand both my tongues and cultural surroundings - not to mention my family, of course. The important part, however, is not that they understand the language I speak, but rather the personality they portray. These are the people that have come to accept both my halves.

I had feared that my twofold composition would mean that only this small, distinct sliver of people would be able to truly understand me. Instead, I should actually be hoping that this duality is what allows me to connect to more people. I am very fortunate to have the opportunity to live in different countries and to meet such a variety of people. I should be focusing more on how I can represent each of my halves in the other language, and becoming more 'whole' whatever I may be speaking. Rather than constantly feeling half-baked, this dichotomy is what makes me, 'me'. Anyone that has come to know me has learnt this too, and for that, I'm very grateful.

Now to translate this entire blog post into Chinese...

Only At A Pentatonix Concert

A few months back, I went to a concert by Pentatonix in London. For those that don't know them, they are a 5-person a cappella group, which means they make music with just their vocals - no instruments whatsoever. They earned their uprising stardom through the millions of views on their YouTube videos and winning the TV a cappella competition, The Sing Off. If you haven't heard them, go learn you some right now.

From that premise alone, you can tell it was a bit of a musical nerd fest. I don't really attend concerts very much, mostly because I'm too socially awkward to know what to do at one. Do I dance? Do I stand still? Do I put my hands in the air and wave 'em around like I just don't care? But this concert I just had to check out. And let me tell you: it was mind-blowing. Their performance was absolutely adrenaline-pumping and their live vocal standard was just astoundingly impressive. But you can read about that everywhere; that's not what this blog post is about.

You see, a Pentatonix concert isn't like any other - even by a cappella event standards. Here's why:

Only at a Pentatonix concert will you find:

1. ... People singing accurate, part-specific renditions of the group's songs whilst waiting in queue. And I mean accurate - to the key and tempo.
2. ... The most synchronised audience participation. Those finger clicks and claps were precisely on the beat - all 300 of them.
3. ... That when a performer shouts "Any choir nerds in the house tonight!?", he gets a harmoniously loud response.
4. ... That the performers can sing dubstep.
5. ... That the phrase "drop the bass" is unexpectedly even more epic than usual.
6. ... The special performance involves a cello - and people go crazy for it.
7. ... The audience member serenade involves Marvin Gayes' Let's Get It On and a fake trumpet.
8. ... The performing group splitting the entire audience into three, and getting them to sing the individual parts to the song. And the audience gets it pitch perfect.
9. ... A performer asking someone to "give me an A", and an audience member produces a harmonica to give them that A.
10. ... An audience that is so passionate and in admiration of the group's musicality. 

I guess it goes to show that Pentatonix fans are really a breed of their own. An awesome breed, of course. I had a blast - Pentatonix were mindblowing, and the crowd was exhilarating. It turned out to be a lot more fun than I expected, and a notch I'm proud to have under my concert-attending belt.

Also, it gave me the chance to find out the answer: it was c) Put your hands in the air and wave them around like you just don't care.

Resolution Shaming

I hope all my readers (yes, all THREE of you) had a wonderful Christmas. And as we draw to the end of the calendar year, I wonder how many of you are going to make New Year's resolutions.

Perhaps people have become more cynical (or maybe it's just me), but theses past few years, I've noticed a lot more instances of people "shaming" New Year's resolutions: mocking unrealistic goals, doubting others will be able to keep theirs past the first week (I hear gym trainers make the most profit in January of every year), and ridiculing the idea of New Year's being some sort of magical day that will instantaneously change us all into better human beings.

Now, I can see where they are coming from, and in a way, I agree on all fronts. If there's anything I learnt this year (by the hard way of failing at it), it's that saying you'll change is a world's difference from becoming that change. And so making resolutions does not equal to achieving them. However, I don't like all this resolution shaming. Some may argue it's a stupid excuse to base personal resolutions on some random date in the year. But isn't any reason at all a good reason to start some positive change?

Don't get me wrong: I like the idea of creating the reason to change out of will (like I did with turning twenty-two). There's something particularly self-empowering about making an active and conscious decision to alter the direction you are heading in. As puny little humans, it's so easy to get caught up in the fact that we can't control very much individually. Circumstances force obligations upon you, time decays your options, and luck will randomly deny you entry of certain doors - and that's ignoring all the people in your life that will fiddle with your fate. However, if we can grasp the mentality that there are certain aspects in our lives that we can indeed influence, that's a very powerful driving force.

I haven't personally created my own New Year's Day this year, so to speak. Like many, I will be relying on the 1st of January as an excuse for my resolutions. But I don't think that devalues them in any way. I won't dive into the explicit content of my list (in the sense of detail, not in the sense of being x-rated), but much like the other times that I've tried to generate some change in my life, I want to base it on two visions: the person I am now, and the person I want to become. As much as that may seem like it makes sense, it's a rather unreliable process because it relies on me having clear vision of both of those people, so that I may decide what I should let go of and what I should hold onto. And I'm not known for having the best eyesight - literally and metaphorically.

Regardless, I hope I'll be able to implement and maintain these new personal goals and changes in my life stepping into 2014 - the whole "new year, new me" pizzazz, hopefully without the narcissism. I'll also be ignoring all the naysayers; let their predictions be just that - predictions. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little positive change in your life, whatever your excuse may be. I say, any motivation is good motivation.

Besides, what else would I rather be doing counting down to the New Year? Watching fireworks? Partying it up? Waiting to kiss someone at countdown? "Sleeping before midnight" - that's on my list.

Locked Out

I'm pretty forgetful. I mean, my memory's not terrible, but at the same time, it's not uncommon for me to forget the odd name or chore. Sometimes I'll say the same thing repeatedly, simply because I can't recall if I had mentioned it before or not. I don't mean to, really. And it doesn't mean I don't care about that person or thing in particular. My brain just isn't very good at its job. So I guess it's rather surprising that after living on my own for 15 months, today is the first time I've forgotten my keys and locked myself out.

I'm currently sitting in a McDonald's next to my house. You'd normally never catch me even near one of these establishments (I wouldn't survive the self-imposed dietary guilt), but you know: desperate times call for desperate measures. And it's also raining and windy out; I had to seek shelter.

Thankfully, my phone's at 71%, and I'm getting some good signal here. They're playing Michael Bublé Christmas tunes - I approve. With a hot choc at hand, I'm sat down alone and beginning to wonder what I can do to burn half an hour before my brother gets back. 

Normally, when I do something this stupid, I beat myself up over it. I put myself through a lot of unnecessary hell sometimes, because I feel like I deserve it. "Well done, Einstein. You've really done it this time". But tonight, I'm surprisingly calm. Yes, I gave myself a mental facepalm, but at least I didn't torture myself over something as benign and irrelevant as locking myself out.

I guess I just don't like making stupid mistakes. As much as I try to avoid them (poor memory-related or not), no amount of endless self-nagging stops me from falling into these ditches. I just make stupid decisions, in varying aspects of my life. It's like I'm almost programmed to make these mistakes. But right now, all I can say is: "meh".

I'm told I overthink and worry too much. I guess these kind of moments is when that would kick in usually. But an important lesson I learnt a while ago is that you have to pick your battles. Ultimately, I'm human, just like everybody else. Some things are worth panicking, worrying and pulling your hair out for. This is not one of them. If you let every little thing get to you, come the time life throws the big stuff at you, you won't be able to cope. You'll have to go the next level of self-loathing, and honestly, I've had enough of that as is.

So instead of worrying my little head off, I'm just going to enjoy this hot choc and blog about my stupidity on my phone.

Besides, my brother should be back any moment now. Thanks for sharing this idiotic moment with me, Internet.

My Big Boy Pants

This past year, I've tried to make a very conscious effort to grow up, ever since I "turned 22". In my pursuit to understand what it means to be 'adult', intellectual maturity, emotional maturity, spiritual maturity, and general lifestyle maturity have all been serious thoughts I've wrestled with. Part of that process is writing about it here on my blog. How mature am I now? Have I matured over the past year? How can I become more mature? Am I mature enough for my age? Am I too mature?

So am I mature? Psh. Probably not. I'm a long shot away, but I do want to be.

It's a heavy topic, and I do realise my last few posts have been rather dense and hefty. As much as the concept of maturity is a substantial part of my thoughts nowadays, perhaps I'll leave the topic(s) to be discussed another time. Instead, I want to present to you a rather more curious (and light-hearted) oddity I've noticed about myself.

As I had written about earlier, I come off as rather childlike. You could read this if you want to know why, or I could save myself from proving it by just showing you a picture of my current bedsheets:

When the ladies get on THIS bed, you can be damn
sure it's... Adventure Time. Bam.

Anyway, as easy as it is to point out those aspects of me, I've noticed I have also picked up a few traits that don't seem too familiar or in line. So here are the top ten signs I've put on my big boy pants:

1. Not only do I receive wines instead of chocolates as gifts during celebrations, I openly welcome and prefer the alcoholic option. I'm also watching my waistline, mind you.
   
2. In my mental cookbook of things I know how to cook, I have more than instant noodles and fried eggs available to me. I can now also scramble eggs.
   
3. I hate Monday mornings because they are Monday mornings, and not because they are just any morning.
   
4. When a friend suggests that we go to a "club", I genuinely and wholeheartedly hope they mean a book club as opposed to a nightclub.
   
5. I have four levels of waking up: when my alarm goes off and I am no longer asleep, when I actually open my eyes, when I finish my morning shower, and when I have my first coffee.
   
6. I have a "first coffee".
   
7. I spent way too much time adjusting my office chair because I am deeply concerned about sitting posture and the future wellbeing of my lower spine.
   
8. I count my days off like Scrooge McDuck counts his money, except I have the opposite of an abundance.
   
9. I used to envision the bachelor life as lots of partying, being free of consequences, and picking up lots of chicks (with the help of a trusty wingman, of course). My bachelor life now consists of hosting dinner parties and playing board games, thinking about how many kids I want, and owning two pet rabbits. I regret none of these.
   
   

   

   "What do you mean I'M your date for the evening?!"

   
   
10. I realise it's okay to consciously try and make an effort to grow up, but there's also no need to rush anything. 

Whilst I still constantly challenge and question myself whether I'm doing the right thing to evolve into whatever an 'adult' is (this isn't even my final form), noticing that I've unknowingly picked up these subtleties over time has taught me that sometimes, you can't choose or force yourself to grow up - it just happens to you. 

Perhaps all my thinking has made myself convinced that mental metamorphosis is something I can keep progressing by simply building upon piece by piece, when really a lot of it is out of my hands. There's only so much 'figuring out' I can do on my own in my head, until it comes down to just becoming 'mature'. And there will inevitably be a time for that, whenever it may be - exactly like the way I have picked up these seemingly big boy habits.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get to bed now. It's getting late; it's just past 10 pm. Plus, this rigid chair is doing my lower back no favours. 

Emanations

I've always thought that if I had not studied Law at university, I would've enjoyed studying English Literature instead. I've always had a passion for language and literature, and the unlimited power and effect that can be communicated through words. But recently, I've also wondered if I would've enjoyed studying Sociology (the study of human social behaviour) or Psychology (the study of mental functions and behaviour) instead.

It doesn't take Sherlock to identify the pattern of subject matter throughout my posts. I focus heavily on interpersonal relationships, and many of those posts are just brain spillages of my day-long thoughts. And the reason why I do put so much thought into it (and actually enjoy the personal discoveries I make, correct or incorrect) is because it really does occupy the utmost importance to me.

Hopefully without sounding artificially profound (I get the sense I give that impression), I like to think of myself as an ever emanating existence. I constantly emit these ethereal strings that tie me to every person that comes into my life. Some will latch on, most will probably fall through. But for those that do, I slowly learn what each line of string means. What kind of string is it? How strong is it? How is it changing? Do I want for this piece of string to exist? I'm not always thinking about all my relationships constantly (it's mentally exhausting just thinking about doing that), but once in a while, someone or some event will trigger the thought of a particular connection within me.

Now to take the idea a further step, if I remove myself from the equation completely, and leave behind only the emanations I have made throughout my life, what kind of picture would they paint of me? How close would that image be to what I think of myself? Is that what I want to be seen as? Is it a representation I am proud of?

You could argue that I'm being incredibly shallow by only caring about what others think of me, and that would be a perfectly valid argument. But what's more important, I feel, is why I care about particular impressions. The string I share with some stranger I talk to for five minutes at a party is but a thread, and I wouldn't give it a second thought if that person loathed me for no particular reason. But the string I share with my parents, my brothers, my closest friends... those are the chains that matter to me. These are the people I care about, I respect, I look up to, and I love. I am very much a product of all the wonderful people that have entered my life, and what makes me who I am are the decisions I made as to which aspect of each person I try to absorb. In that sense, I'm not ashamed to say I wholeheartedly care about what these people think of me.

But there is a confession I have to admit at this point: my thoughts around this topic are very self-involved. I'm trying to do what I can on my end to develop these chains and strengthen them. But I have failed to realise the key emphasis in my own analogy: these chains are two-way. Mutuality and balance is another (hefty) topic I'd like to explore further in another post, but for the sake of this piece, I'll leave it at this: relationships are lines drawn that link two points together - emphasis on the 'two'. As much as I can affect what happens on my end as one point, I must also equally and mutually rely on the other person. And this in turn, made me realise that there is an equal amount of thought that goes on at the opposite side, whether that be concious or subconscious, and that is something I need to take into account.

So what triggered this plot twist? Those exact people. Recently, they've taught me that no matter how closed off I may think I've become (something I'm wilfully trying hard to learn how to appropriately adjust), these people are still tugging on those chains. I was quite literally surprised by how well they seem to know me and understand me. It's an odd reaction, especially after how I've said how much I connect with these people, but it does go to show that's how segregated I view myself as of late. However, ultimately, these people have taught me the chains I have attached to them are just as equally attached to me, and so is each and every other chain in my life, no matter how distant they may be.

I don't want this to be a post where I ramble on pointlessly (again - if you feel that way!), and this time, I'm not going to suggest you to give the same level of thought about your own personal chains as I have. It just might not be the type of thing for all of you. Instead, this is just an insight into the kinds of things I think about, and hopefully offers a little context as to why I write what I write.

As for me, these inner investigations will continue. I'll keep doing what I can on my part to affect my chains through my own actions and thoughts towards these people: supporting them, caring for them, communicating with them, learning about them and bonding with them. In a way, I think that's the only way I know how to relate to them. If I can't do these things, I feel that I'm weakening my own chains into strings - and to me, they are far, far too important for me to ignore. However, I hope to turn a corner and take heed from my own analogy by accepting that I need to learn to receive too, and to depend on the person at the other end to keep the chain strong.

Now, if there's anyone that can tell me where I can fit a Thresh joke into this post, that'd be great, thanks.

Bored Games

Recently, I've been a bit obsessed with board games and card games, especially of the newer generation (so none of that endlessly rehashed Monopoly malarkey). Through thorough review research, multiple games shop visits and convention trips, and prolonged perusing for price comparison, I've just started my collection with a few games. Namely, they are: the dungeon-crawling, friendly back-stabbing card game, Munchkin (and subsequent, awesome gift from a friend of the spin-off Axe Cop version); the co-operative, medical countdown-to-doom board game, Pandemic; and finally - my personal favourite - king-of-the-hill-style, dice-rolling mayhem, King of Tokyo (and the two expansion packs - and eagerly waiting the standalone sequel game). It's a tiny collection, but each one was the culmination of a lot of elimination and hunting.

Mandatory 'rawr rawr rawr' to be said throughout the course of the game.

So why board games? Surely when it comes to gaming, the modern day has a lot more to offer. I myself love to play video games, on consoles and the PC (calluses on my hands are from all-nighter Street Fighter IV sessions at a friend's, and the broken mouse was the result of a few bad games on League of Legends), so surely board games are a bit boring and backwards by now? No groundbreaking graphics, no fancy animations, and no advanced tech to boot. But isn't it odd how social gaming has to be put back into video games (Candy Crush Life Requests, I'm looking at you)? You don't see many games nowadays that only boast a purely one-player experience; they all include some sort of social element to share your gaming experience with others, however minute or core it may be. I only played League of Legends so that I could team up with my friends, and I only played Street Fighter IV so that I can kick said friends' asses. "Come at me, bro." 

However, as we all started getting jobs, moving to different time zones, and generally just getting busier with life, gaming together online slowly started to fall by the wayside - and so did my interest in it. Chalk it up to growing up, but if you know me well enough, that's probably not the case. Even when online gaming means we can still play together no matter where we are in the world (pending working out time differences), I just don't game that much any more - not even on my own. But on the other hand, board games at its essence demands to be played together. I also love the strategic thinking, the expansive imagination, and the engaging role-playing. But at the core of it, the togetherness is why I still love board games.

And I've had this easily excitable passion of mine since I was a little kid, as I'm sure is the case for most of you. Why? Because back then we didn't have access to all the video games we do now. We couldn't just take out our smartphones from our pockets and jump right into a first-person shooter. But more importantly, it was a family thing. I remember how excited I was as a kid, opening up a box of Risk and having the family gather 'round the table for games night. It was never a routinely thing, but boy, was I hyped when it was announced that we'd play - even though I lost every time. My dad would nonchalantly pretend to not care about the game (before suddenly turning the game with a surprise strategy), my brothers would gang up to eliminate me as quickly as possible (...the jerks), and my mum would comfort and cheer me up when I got massacred. But I loved it in all its entirety, because we were all present in the room and present in the experience.

Nowadays, it's too easy to be distracted. There's always a notification to check on our phones, always a page that needs refreshing, and always a show to watch on TV (as a side note, turn off your damn TV when you're on team chat!). We're so used to multitasking, that we never really actually do any one thing. Your eyes are staring at one thing, your fingers are clicking on another, your listening to something else, and who knows where your mind is at? We don't actually do four different things; we just end up doing none of them. But with a board game, you're all gathered around the same table, in the same room. Whether you're competing against one another, or working as a team to win the game, you're all present in the moment and your attention is on one objective. And that is a rare thing nowadays - all with just a bit of cardboard and plastic.

I gifted Summoner Wars, a mage-duelling card game, to a friend at my job so that we could always have an excuse to catch up after work. I recently played King of Tokyo with my brother, his girlfriend and her brother, late into the evening, instead of watching a movie. I'm currently trying to hunt down a way to get a copy of the card game, Boss Monster, possibly before Christmas time so that I'll have a chance to play with the family. But I know very well that just owning these board games won't mean that I'll be magically transported to where my friends and family are, or that we'll all suddenly have a summer holiday's worth of time to burn. I'll be the first to admit that I rarely get the chance to play any of the games from my collection. But for me, they're the representation of that childlike excitement that lives in me, and the hope that when I do get the chance to hang out with my family and friends (which is quite sad to say, rare), I'll have something for us to do together whilst we chat and catch up - without all the distractions pulling us in different directions.

I'm the Alienoid - fear my tentacles! 

But I get it; board games and card games aren't for everyone. After all, I am a bit of a geek. So I've included here a game I can suggest for you all to play. I read about it somewhere, and have played it on a few occasions, with great results. There aren't many requirements, and there'll be many opportunities for you to play, so give it shot when you next get the chance:

Stacking

Requirements:
- A sturdy table
- A meal (the more courses, the riskier!)
- Phones from players

Players:

- 2 - Unlimited (the more players, the more exciting!) 

Play length:

-Time of meal

Instructions for play:
The next time you're out with family or friends for a meal, everyone is to take out their phones (or handheld gaming devices, if applicable). Everyone then stacks their devices, facedown one on top of the other, at the centre of the table at the beginning of the meal. Despite any ringing, vibrating or blinking, you're not allowed to use your device (in fact, I highly encourage turning all devices on loud, as it makes it that much more tempting). If anyone cannot resist the urge to take their device, they can do so - at the cost of that meal's entire bill. The game ends when someone does so, or the bill is paid as per usual. As an optional side objective, you may want to partake in actual conversation with others at the table - maybe even enjoy the food and company! This game also makes for excellent thief bait.

Game variations:
- As a special rule, you may nominate one person before the game begins to be "Designated Instagrammer". That person is allowed exclusive access to their phone solely for the purpose of taking pictures of food and/or the party. Photos are to be shared later. Any other use of the phone will result in loss of the game, and a public stoning and humiliation.

- Make it into a continuous drinking game throughout the evening. Every time your phone sounds an alert, you must take a shot. You're allowed to then respond to that text or call if you want, but you must first take another shot before you take your phone from the stack. Your phone is then returned to the stack, and the fun continues.

Give it a try next time! I guarantee the first time you play this with your friends, you will be able to see people at the table literally squirm with the need to check their phones - it's hilarious. But at least it's not Monopoly, right? I mean honestly: who ever plays to the end of a game of Monopoly!?

A Guide To Conversing With Doctors

Following my previous post about growing up with a doctor as a father, even though I've moved out since, doctors are still somehow prevalent in my life. Don't get me wrong - I have nothing against them. They are all heroes in my eyes. But through some way or another, I've found myself amongst the ladies and gentlemen of the medical profession.

In fact, I ended up in such a predicament just the other weekend. I had dinner with my brother, his girlfriend, and my best friend - all of whom are doctors. If I had choked on something during the meal, not only would I immediately receive the Heimlich manoeuvre, they'd probably sterilise utensils on the dining table and slice me open, right then and there. And as you can imagine, the flow of conversation quite naturally drifted towards the topic of their occupation.

Thankfully, I've had the social training to blend in amongst them, and nod along just enough to get by in the complex discussion. So here's my personal guide to surviving a conversation with doctors:

1. No body part, male or female, seen or unseen, inside or out, is off-topic. Guts, scrotum and anuses are all fair game. Get used to this, and try to hide your gag reflex.
   
   
   
2. You will not understand any of the acronyms mentioned, nor be able to pronounce most of the medical terminology used. And if such a word or acronym is the punchline to a joke (... and then I said to the nurse, "I said give the patient the ACCTS before the surgery!), just laugh when other doctors laugh.
   
   
3. Doctors see more penises than you see clouds. I don't know what kind of diseases are popular amongst men these days, but someone, the penis is always involved. Always. The inevitable willy or two will pop up (pun intended), so mask your shock (or giggles, if you're a 12-year-old like me). Also, if you're a guy and the word "catheter" is mentioned, don't ask what it is. Just don't.
   
   
   
4. Any chance you get, curse the NHS or the administration. They're the lawyers of the medical world - play it safe by insulting a common enemy. Feel free to be creative here (e.g. Screw the NHS! They can suck my testicles! Using the correct anatomical names gives you bonus points).
   
   
   
5. Never have a thick or slushy drink during such conversations. For some strange reason, bodily fluids always make their way into stories (whether intentionally or as an aside). Avoid chocolate milkshakes at all costs.
   
   
   
6. At any instant in the conversation, the topic may become very dark and grim, so be prepared for that. Having said that, also be ready to jump right back if it becomes black humour, and making fun of someone's misery is socially acceptable. It's a fine line, I know.
   
   
   
7. NEVER in ANY circumstance complain about the hours of your own job.
   
   
   
8. Nurses can either be a doctor's best friend or worst nightmare. So, listen in on which kind they're talking about, and on cue, either say "Awww..." or "That bitch!".
   

   

   
   

9. If by any chance you are ill or experiencing any pain whatsoever, don't bring it up. 90% of the time, it's something minor and insignificant, and you will be prescribed a "Man-the-hell-up" pill.
   
   
   
10. They lead incredible lives and they have really interesting stories to tell, so enjoy the conversation.

I'll admit, at first, some of the stories are difficult to stomach (har har har). But soon enough, you get past the gore and intensity of the job, and you find out that these are admirably hardworking and astoundingly smart people that save lives for a living. And they too have regular job problems: working overtime, office politics, stressful deadlines (really dark pun not intended), and the like. But if you ever find yourself in such a conversation, sometimes it's just nice to sit back and listen to their fascinating stories, just as I do.

Plus, it's hilarious trying to count how many times they say "penis".

A Longing

When I started this blog, I promised myself this would not be an angst-ridden, teenage outlet for my woes. I know how dreadful and boring it is to just read misery that has no goal or point. But with this post, I hope there is a deeper meaning. I write to express, but I also write to affect. The goal of my blog is to question your thinking, to raise insight, and to leave an impact. If even just one person experiences a change in thought after reading one of my pieces, that will be the success of this blog. So with this piece, as any other, I express, but I also seek to challenge. This post is for myself, as well as all those that are longing for something or someone.

Last night, I attended the Pentatonix concert. At one point, Avi brought the pace of the show down for their peacefully melancholic original song, Run To You (I highly recommend this song. I've posted it above as I feel it would be fitting to listen to it whilst you read the rest of this post, if you wish to do so). He introduced the piece as a song of longing, and explained that everyone longs for something in life. He then directed the crowd to close their eyes, and to imagine the one thing or one person we each longed for. Without closing mine, I saw the person in my mind's eye right in front of me, and I continued to see and sense her throughout the performance.

There is something I dislike about the word 'longing'. Longing implies a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. To long for something is lonely, desperate and endless. It's a long distance run you can't finish. It's the long wait for an unanswered question. It's a drawn out and long ordeal of agony. I instead prefer other words, such as to seek, or to chase, or to reach. See, if you seek, you can find; if you chase, you can catch; if you reach, you can obtain. But when you long, you only continue to yearn.

And yet, I still long. I wilfully climb the insurmountable mountain. But why? Perhaps it is my human condition to sadistically desire the forbidden and the impossible. But I rather think that we long because the object of longing is a symbol of perfection. Nothing is perfect in this world, except for what we perceive. We choose what we wish to see as perfection. And perhaps, I long because I've witnessed my personal perfection. I believe in my heart the object of my longing is someone worth longing for and the inevitable torment that entails, even when the odds are stacked against me, and it seems the end is ever further. But it is crucial to remember that to long for something is a choice and a concious decision, just as it is to personify someone as perfect. I have no one to blame for my predicament but myself. And so I seek, I chase, I reach because I don't want to long any more.

But I am running a race I have lost before I even started. I may be the fastest, but there is no finish line I can cross. It is a never-ending marathon, destined never to amount to anything. Yet I ran and I ran and I ran. Run To You provokes heartfelt emotions, but it is not the song that reflects best how I feel. I don't like posting songs or lyrics on my Facebook as a way to tell everyone how I feel. Not only does it feel cryptically attention-seeking, it feels stagnant. As much as I do listen to particular songs to match my mood, there is something hopelessly defeating and depressing about listening to a song as an expression of misery, because the song never changes. The lyrics never alter to show signs of progress or the hope of a happy ending. And just like the sense of longing, it only drags on and repeats the same inescapable chords. 

However, today, as I listen to Run To You, I realised the opposite of longing: to accept; to succumb; to surrender. I accept my fate, I succumb to the pain of the unending chase, and I surrender to my defeat. 

My antonym of to long is to stop.

Sunk Costs: An Economics Lesson In Moving On

In economics, a sunk cost refers to a retrospective cost that has already been incurred and cannot be recovered. Traditional economics suggests that sunk costs should not influence business decision-making, as it would not be rationally assessing a decision based on its own merits. But, as behavioural economics proves, this is not always the case in real life. Business decision-makers are after all humans, and humans are prone to loss aversion - i.e. they have a tendency to prefer avoiding risks rather than acquiring gains. All in all, this means decision-makers end up taking into account these irretrievable costs, despite the fact that it is irrational to do so.

I didn't do Economics as my undergraduate degree, but a lot of my friends did. A few in particular love this "sunk costs" inside joke, where they'd use its theory in day-to-day decisions. They'd try to describe to me what it meant, but usually to my confusion (thankfully, Wikipedia is a thing). Basically, it just teaches that you should just accept that some things are hopelessly gone - just because you've gone down a certain path does not necessarily mean you should keep going the same way, so stop living in the past.

For example, if I had already spent money in the game League of Legends, that is a sunk cost (true example) - I cannot get that money back. Now, I have another chance to spend even more money, and as a stupid human with stupid feelings, I feel like since I've already invested money in the game, it would almost be a waste of that first amount to not spend more (also a true example). WRONG. The mere fact that I had spent money in the first place should not affect whether I spend more. It would not be rational. Result? I spend more money. Why? Because, as I said, I'm stupid.

So what other sunk costs do we fail to ignore? What about time? Time is definitely something we spend (literally, every second of our lives), and it is definitely irretrievable. No man on this world has the power to take back the time he has lost. So when we invest time into things in our lives, should we be rational and not let it affect our future decision-making?

Something I made in reference to the Cantonese song, 
Tourbillon (陀飛輪) by Edison Chan (陳奕迅).

Instead of Economics, I studied Law at university. About halfway into my second year, I realised I had made a grave mistake. Not only was I not particularly interested in my degree, I was no good at it. At all. Now, I had the option to either a) change subjects, possibly even university, or b) carry on with my chosen degree. Sunk costs dictate that time lost is lost; there's no going back. Given my projected trajectory with the degree, I was predicted to defeat. So what did I do? "I've already come so far. It'd be a waste of the last one-and-a-half years to not do the rest." - I carried on. Economically irrational? Yes. The wrong decision? Retrospectively speaking, I have no regrets whatsoever. I got my degree in Law in the end, but it took my everything to do so. But I would do it all over again given the chance.

This got me thinking about other things we spend time on - like relationships. We invest time into them, to build and foster a bond with that person. But when a decision needs to be made, shouldn't we ignore time as a sunk cost? If we were smart, we would assess the situation on its own merits. Weigh up the pros and the cons, without the sunk cost in the picture, because what's happened won't change.

But in the end, we do take it into account. Because we're irrational and stupid? No - because it matters. Time in a relationship is what makes the connection deeper and more meaningful. I don't really believe in "love at first sight". What I do believe is that relationships of love require time, work and effort. Ask any experienced, married couple. Time does add value, and it does change the decision outcome. What I do agree with however is that it is only a single consideration. Obviously, there is always a lot more to take into account, and you can't be blinded by sunk costs like time. I hate the idea of 'settling' with someone (not to be confused with 'settling down') just because you've been together for a certain period of time. You're not going to get any of that time back by investing even more, so there's no point in 'sticking through with it' if that's you're only argument.

However, I think we should consider time invested, but only as equally important as time to be invested. Jumping back to economic theory, prospective costs are future costs that may be incurred if an action is taken. And these do matter to business decision-makers, because that loss can be avoided if the right decision is made - it's a risk. So when we consider our relationships, it's worth also thinking about the potential time we're committing to. After all, all time in the future eventually becomes irretrievable, too.

In the end, economics and love don't mix very well (no matter what my friends say). Love just isn't an economical decision - it's too hard to be rational with it. Heck, we can't even do it right and avoid loss aversion when we're making business decisions, let alone ones that the heart is involved with. Ultimately, we dwell on the past, whether we mean to or not. But hopefully, we try to think ahead as well. We might not get any of our time back, but in the end, aren't we all really just trying to avoid bankruptcy?